ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
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COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I put the hot in psychotic.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
good work, everybody
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this