i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
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No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
This raises questions
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
My patronus is a cheeseburger
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
*weighs self after shaving