Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it