Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
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tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.