*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
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Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”