[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
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I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars