My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
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I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Yeah. This was me today.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you