FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
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Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
buying dead houseplants to save time
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Not today
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”