Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
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If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought