the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
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*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.