Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
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Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Meow
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.