I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
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when u come home smelling like another dog
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
oh u like geography? name every lake
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.