Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
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[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.