When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
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If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”