Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
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I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
💁🏻♂️
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Saint West, the patron of selfies
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few