I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
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[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
getting corrected