I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
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My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.