Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
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Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.