the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
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If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.