if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
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Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Are you ok, human???
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit