[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
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Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.