Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
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[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
ouch
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.