Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
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Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it