I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
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If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Godspeed, John Glenn
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.