In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
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My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.