My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
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Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down