[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
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Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Smooooooth
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.