Butt weight. There’s more!
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You have been warned.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour