Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
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[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”