Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
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My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
fourth time’s the charm
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
🛁
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps