Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
You Might Also Like
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I’d use my best pan on you.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever