[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
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Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.