A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
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INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Happy Taco Tuesday
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*