did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
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I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
meanwhile over on facebook
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her