I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
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Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣