I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
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When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
watergate? u mean a dam??
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos