WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
You Might Also Like
Smile they said.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool