Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
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If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024