*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
You Might Also Like
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Facebook Twitter
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did