I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
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Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
same vibe as tangled headphones
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
spot the difference
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.