You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
You Might Also Like
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
#ParentingFacts
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.