“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
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I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Am I having a stroke?
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.