I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
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Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.