My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
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*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Customer is always right
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.