I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
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Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
LA today:
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.