Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
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Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.