Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
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her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
all toddlers look the same when telling a story