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Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
wtf is a larm clock?
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.