Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
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1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.