COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
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Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.